Well the weather outside is frightful鈥� but the fire is so delightful鈥� and since we鈥檝e got no place to go鈥� what better time could there possibly be than now to make another list of terrible Christmas movies?
Bake some festively themed sugar cookies, grab your favourite brand of 鈥渆ggnog鈥�, and get ready to curl up under a warm blanket on the couch, because here鈥檚 my second list of 10 (technically 11) cinematic lumps of coal to watch that could potentially ruin the holiday season for you and your entire family if you鈥檙e not careful.
* Editor鈥檚 note - Hallmark Christmas movies are banned from being listed in this festive column. There鈥檚 simply way too many of them to sift through.
Honourable mention - Gumby鈥檚 Christmas Capers (1957)
If you鈥檙e looking for something mindnumbingly awful to watch, you can never go wrong with Gumby and his good pal Pokey. Gumby鈥檚 Christmas Capers didn鈥檛 make the official list because it鈥檚 just a bunch of shorts that only add up to 30 minutes, but watching all of them in a row was still painful enough that I started chugging eggnog about a minute in.
10. Jingle All The Way 2 (2014)
As a huge fan of Jingle All The Way starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad, this 鈥渟equel鈥� with Larry the Cable Guy is downright disrespectful to the original鈥檚 enduring legacy! Despite the title it鈥檚 not a sequel, rather a stunningly bad remake/reboot. The reimagined plot features dad versus step dad in an all out battle to buy a talking bear toy for their daughter. More than a few eggnogs were needed to make it all the way through to the end, and I can only surmise it was produced solely to cash in on the original鈥檚 cult classic reputation.
9. Santa鈥檚 Little Helper (2015)
It鈥檚 not a 鈥渨orst of鈥� list without a Christmas movie starring a professional wrestler. This time around it鈥檚 WWE鈥檚 鈥淭he Miz鈥� playing a businessman who gets fired from his job and is thrown into a competition to become one of Santa鈥檚 elves. I spent the majority of the 90 minute runtime gulping down eggnog and rolling my eyes at all the 鈥渏okes鈥� that fell flat. Clearly made for kids, but why would you want to torture them with this kind of reindeer crud?
8. Pete鈥檚 Christmas (2013)
I found a bluray of Pete鈥檚 Christmas in the bargain bin and figured I鈥檇 give it a chance to see if it would make the list this year. If you鈥檙e in the mood to watch something bland that blatantly rips off Groundhog Day, look no further than this low budget made for TV snoozefest about a guy who鈥檚 forced to constantly relive Christmas day. I think I fell asleep about halfway through so I can鈥檛 remember how much eggnog I actually drank.
7. Jack Frost (1998)
I鈥檇 never seen Jack Frost before, but last year it was recommended to me by one of my Black Press colleagues (shoutout to Jessica Peters), so I made a mental note to give it a watch this season. I can鈥檛 say it was terrible because I did make it all the way to the end with no eggnog needed, but the film has a really emotionally manipulative storyline about an absentee father who dies in a car crash and then comes back to life as a snowman to help his traumatized son. The snowman has hilariously outdated special effects, which was the highlight of the film for me. Give it a watch if you鈥檙e in the mood to feel emotionally attacked this Christmas season, or if you just simply want to show your kids what CGI looked like before it was perfected.
6. Jack Frost (1997)
Another Jack Frost movie! This one鈥檚 not for kids though. Instead we get a 鈥渟o bad it鈥檚 good鈥� horror comedy about a serial killer who gets mutated into a murderous snowman and uses his newfound powers to exact revenge. Shot on an extremely low budget and not to be taken seriously at all, but with enough eggnog on hand, you鈥檒l laugh the entire way through the brisk 90 minute runtime.
5. Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)
The sequel to 1997鈥檚 Jack Frost is somehow even more low budget than the original and twice as ridiculous. The murderous snowman comes back to life and goes after the survivors of the first movie who鈥檝e decided to go on a Christmas vacation to the Carribean. There was one point in the movie where I laughed so hard I accidentally choked on my eggnog and it came out my nose instead.
4. Reindeer Games (2000)
I happen to love this bloody Christmas crime thriller starring Ben Affleck and Charlize Theron, but I鈥檒l also be the first to admit the storyline is absolutely ridiculous and you need a massive leap of faith in order to believe that the stupid third act plot twist could actually happen. If you鈥檙e wondering, Affleck plays a criminal who gets released at Christmas time and gets involved in a robbery with Theron and her 鈥渂rother鈥�. Eggnog will help make the plot twist easier to believe, but you鈥檒l still be left scratching your head wondering how the screenwriter actually thought it was a good idea.
3. Home Sweet Home Alone (2021)
Last year I ripped into Home Alone 3, 4 and 5, so I figured I may as well take aim at the sixth movie in the series. There鈥檚 a spoiled British kid who鈥檚 left at home this time around, and a down on their luck couple, who you actually end up feeling sorry for by the end of the film, are the ones trying to break in to retrieve their missing property. The film does an okay job of swapping the original story around, but it鈥檚 still pretty bland. The kid is nowhere near as charismatic as Macauley Culkin, and the poor couple can鈥檛 hold a candle to the iconic wet bandits, Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern. I didn鈥檛 have any eggnog on hand when I watched it last year, which was quite the unfortunate decision on my part.
2. Rudolph and Frosty鈥檚 Christmas in July (1979)
鈥淚s it really a Christmas film if it takes place in July?鈥� Pipe down, this is my list and if I say it鈥檚 a Christmas movie it鈥檚 a Christmas movie.
That said, this seemingly forgotten Rankin/Bass stop-motion animation film is a wild mess of bizarre ideas strung together over an admittedly entertaining 95 minutes.
Rudolph鈥檚 nose stops glowing for some reason I can鈥檛 fully remember, Frosty the Snowman and his family (??) are given magic amulets to stop them from melting so they can all enjoy the fourth of July with everyone, and there鈥檚 an evil wizard named Winterbolt who lives in a lair with snow breathing dragons and a sleigh team made up of snakes.
What more can you ask for? I really enjoyed it, but let鈥檚 be honest here, all the eggnog I鈥檇 already consumed might鈥檝e been the reason for that.
1. Fatman (2020)
I personally thought Fatman was a great movie, but I can also understand why my cousin Paul shut it off halfway through. Mel Gibson stars as Santa Claus, who unbeknownst to him, has a 鈥渉it鈥� put out on him by an angry rich kid. Gibson makes for a great Santa and Walton Goggins is effectively creepy as the hitman who鈥檚 hired to track him down. With that said, the film is definitely a slow burn. It spends its sweet time building the characters and it takes forever for them to arrive at their final confrontation. You鈥檒l either love it or hate it, there鈥檚 really no inbetween.
Pro tip, if you drink enough eggnog it鈥檒l help get you through the slower parts of the movie where you鈥檙e wondering if things are ever going to pick up.
Tyson Whitney is a devout fan of cinema and the editor of the North Island Gazette in Port Hardy.
