Two G.P. Vanier Secondary School counsellors say communication is the most important way to stop bullying, even starting with finding out if a child is being bullied.
Counsellor Karla Lasota said bullying can sometimes go undiscovered for long periods of time because it can be difficult for parents to know that their children are being bullied.
"Kids can hide it; kids don't want to always tell that they're being bullied," said Lasota. "They're afraid to tell. There's a fear factor in being bullied."
According to Lasota, when someone is bullied, it affects their emotional and physical states, so some people show more emotional signs, while others show more physical ones.
Some signs are: withdrawal from peer groups, anxiety, a change in sleeping patterns or eating habits, pain like stomach aches or headaches, a drop in academic success, skipping school, mood swings, and sometimes becoming a bully themselves.
"They're being bullied, so then they'll take it out on someone else, so you'll see some aggressive behaviours that you've never seen before," said Lasota.
While Lasota and counsellor Laura Commins say that it can be hard to get a kid who's being bullied to open up, they say communication is vital in the process to end bullying.
"No. 1 would be talking with their child and checking in with them," said Commins, adding that parents who think their child may be a victim of bullying could also call a school counsellor, or talk to their child's friends to see if they have noticed a change.
Lasota added that parents should go with their gut even if their child is saying everything is OK.
"I think parents following their gut instinct (is important)," said Lasota. "If you think something's different with your kid, chances are there is something different with your kid."
However, Commins said that bullying is complicated, and what bullying actually is can be hard to define.
"I think a big part of bullying is that we hear the word so often but our definition of what bullying is, is actually not always the same as the person talking to you. So it's having a clear understanding of what bullying actually is," said Commins, adding that a snide look from someone could make one person feel that it's directed at them personally, while another person could just think that snide look was due to the looker having a bad day.
According to Commins, communication via mediation with a counsellor, the bully and the victim is an important way to deal with a bullying issue.
"It's very, very powerful to sit down and do a mediation session between the bully and the victim," said Commins. "And that's often one of the hardest things to get all parties to agree to do but it probably has the highest success rate."
Lasota agreed, and added that when an adult intervenes in a bullying situation, and some sort of mediation is done with all parties, the bullying will usually stop. She said mediation works because it makes bullying "real."
"So much is cyber-bullying these days, and so it's not real," said Lasota. "It's online, and as soon as (the bully is in a) face-to-face in a conversation of what they've said, they'll often take a step back and go, 'Whoa, that wasn't cool.'"
At the beginning of the mediation session, Lasota said it's made very clear that if the bullying continues, school administration will step in.
She also pointed out that the victim often wants to leave the school if they are being bullied, and that is not what happens.
"The bully is removed; not the victim. We don't want to see victims go," noted Lasota. "That is likely the biggest thing that bothers me, is when a kid stops coming to school because they're being bullied because that's just not fair."
Lasota and Commins' advice for anyone being bullied is to speak out; they both said bullying is unlikely to stop unless an adult is told, and they don't recommend kids try to deal with the problem themselves.
They also mentioned that kids sometimes tell their parents, but specify that they don't want to involve anyone at the school, and keeping bullying a secret is not the answer.
"It doesn't work; it doesn't stop the bullying so, often, we have to confront the bully," said Lasota.
Victims "often feel like they're alone, it's their fault; they're not alone, it's not their fault."
writer@comoxvalleyrecord.com
