By Jennifer Pass

Special to the Record

Many people had extra difficulty through the COVID-19 pandemic, but one area of challenge I haven鈥檛 heard much about in the news, is the death of a spouse during this period.

We are mortal and our lives on earth may seem, even with our ever-increasing life expectancy, to be suddenly too short. How can we live without our beloved husband or wife of perhaps 50 or more years?

So, I sought out a friend whose husband got ill (but not with COVID) around the beginning of the pandemic and who then died within 12 weeks. His widow was initially told (with the diagnosis) that he might live 10 to 12 years. Only a week or two before the diagnosis 鈥� in January 2020 - he was active and played pickleball regularly.

My friend, let鈥檚 call her Jean, now, three years later, is calm, hospitable, interested in connecting, and always willing to help out. These traits have helped her through the storm. I asked her how she navigated the difficult waters of her husband鈥檚 illness and the grief that followed . How did she manage with all the isolation of COVID, to 鈥渢read water鈥� and emerge 鈥� calm and kind and clearly not broken?

Jean noted how challenging those couple of months after diagnosis were, with required treatments down in Victoria and no hotels open or even public washrooms en route available.

And the constantly changing doctors, nurses and medical information relayed to Jean made the journey even more difficult.

Jean鈥檚 husband was hospitalized for the last couple of months of his life. Although hospital visiting was initially restricted due to constantly changing COVID rules, in the last few weeks of his life, Jean was able to be with her husband all the time, and was sitting with him when he died. This has been an important memory for Jean.

Jean awoke with a pain in her heart the morning after her husband died. This pain was not from a physical cause. Although it gradually eased, it would spike when she saw a couple walking hand in hand. Over the last two years, it has changed. Now, when she sees love displayed, she feels gratitude for her years of marriage and the closeness of their relationship鈥� all the years of being able to walk, hand in hand.

From a practical point of view, Jean says that having legal documents in order is very important. You want to know when your life changes like this, that you have spent the time getting the necessary paperwork (and computer work) in order. You will need an enduring power of attorney if you will need to access money in their account and your spouse is not able to sign documents due to incapacity. It is important to have wills that are periodically reviewed and filed away carefully, with the executor aware of where they are and how to access. Access for the executor (or a designated person) to your computer may also be helpful.

After Jean鈥檚 husband died, she took a course about grieving from the local hospice society. They also have (and she greatly benefited from) a course about grieving through COVID. Jean mentions that it is helpful at times to seek professional help.

鈥淲e cannot expect to do everything on our own.鈥�

We can often take practical and legal steps to allow ourselves to grieve without the waters being muddied by these pragmatic concerns. But we are 鈥渉ard-wired鈥� to suffer greatly when one we lose one we love dearly. Jean says that her general attitude of 鈥榓cceptance of the natural cycle of life and death鈥� helps. She is grateful for the life she had and continues to be thankful for her life now.

One often hears of a widow or widower moving into a smaller place when the husband or wife dies, and in many situations, this may be an appropriate choice.

But as I look around Jean鈥檚 lovely garden, at the home she and her husband moved into about two years before his illness, it is clear that in some ways he is still with her. She speaks of what he loved in the garden and how she feels now looking at the fruition of their joint plans. Her home is still very much their home and a reminder of their happiness together.

Jennifer Pass is the co-ordinator of Comox Valley Elders Take Action (ETA)